| The Post Local Election Speech Well, the election results have been disappointing in the wake of the painfully prolonged expenses scandals. It's true that our mishandling of the economy and policies that could strip the face off a rhino with their stench have led to a certain measure of unpopularity for the Labour Party. Indeed, some might call our results a record low as people boycott the ballot boxes and retch into paper bags at the side of the roads of our once great nation.
However, we are acting within the rules when we say that not even nuns in tanks using children as human shields are going to drag our fingernails from the instruments of power. We are within the letter of the law in our decision to dig ourselves in until the very last minute, discredited figures, mumbling unconvincing platitudes to a demoralised electorate. This is what we stand for. Not letting the public vote for stuff. If that were to take place, frankly, chaos would ensue and the state of the country - already at rock bottom and still somehow tunnelling on down further - would be made even worse. |
Thus, with a reshuffle only slightly
marred by numerous resignations from ministers (including one or two
dishy bits of totty, by the way, who are usually brilliant for PR),
we're here to tell you that we're not letting you off the hook.
We're undaunted and unabashed at the clear evidence in local elections that nobody wants us, nobody believes us, and that everybody thinks we stink like something vile on the shoe of a zombie. We see the unequivocal and utter rejection of our lies and weasel-words as a clear sign that we should hang on like something even antibiotics can't shift. The country has given us the finger and we will follow that finger in any direction we see fit until the last second of the last minute of the last hour available to us in the fine print of the political rules. We're not arrogant. We have humility. We accept that there's a mess in politics and feel that, as the politicians causing it, we're best placed to resolve this issue. That's entirely a matter for us. Keep your opinions to yourselves. Nobody else could be trusted to give the people of this country wide open borders, lower inflation, and cameras in dustbins to be picked up and billed for every two weeks (rats permitting, weather permitting).
Nobody likes students and we've made sure the nation is avenged by plunging them into debt for years and years to come. Old people have to sell their houses to pay for care. We positively discriminate in favour of murderers who know their human rights. We're proud of our record having made everybody capable of grade 'A' GCSE passes and a university education. Everything is fine. I'm staying. Don't worry about it. Business as usual. |
