Get it today! edition You know you want it! The FlameDruid Advertiser Spam for the Masses

Got a limp one? Want one that swings into traffic and knocks down Landrovers? Get free things! Be a god! Sound too good to be true? You bet it does! And we've got loads of them in our warehouse. Send all your money to our PO box and be cool, sexy, intelligent, erect, fertile, thinner, taller, less stinky, respected and revered as a rock star by babes! We got stuff! You want our stuff! Get it. We got it. You can have it. Send no money. Completely free for a nominal sum. Don't be a knob. Get our stuff now before we send Big Tony round.

Nose Buddy Friends coming round for dinner and your entire face dripping with snot? Have no fear. For a limited time only, Miffins Bogus PLC, are able to offer not one but eleven different nose buddy products. Ulcer removing ointment Facial replacement acid Approved tricycle Extra screws Bottle Aggression Leaflet Dust feeling prongs Now then, now then! Battery charger coupons Cryptic crossword (copy) Sage and advice stuff Electrical static Phew! Good deal! Fantastic! Oh no I've wet my leg! Do it! Do it! Like that - oh yeah! Take my order! (I see in my stats that someone found this by searching for 'nosebuddy'. Bless you!) :)   "Pyramid Lipstick" Never mind what we sell. It's all a bit shit. Well it isn't literally shit but that's beside the point. The point being that what you want to do is to put your feet up and dream the impossible dream. Ten of our upline managers started off dead in the gutter with knives in their backs, and now - after only an hour and a half - they've all got huge fuck-off houses in deer parks. One of them is a King. Director Commandant Dick Biggly told us about his new fridge, and then spewed out his whole fatuous life history like pumpkin puke. 'Don't get me wrong - it was all right being poor and living like a twat, working for the man and putting me mother and me dog out on the street to have sex with God knows who till all hours. I'm just saying a private island and thousands of willing sex slaves with fancy sounding names like F-i-o-n-a-h-h is a lot better. Am I promising you the same things? 'Let's just say I'm promising you the promise of the same things. 'Remember, you are what you is. It says so in my latest motivational book, 'You Are What You Is!' so you can take it from me, and - believe me - I'm perfectly ready and able to give it to you. 'Send no money! For nothing down and nothing to pay! Free! Completely gratis! 'Send £50 to my mum's and she'll see you right. You know what I mean, like?' __________ Bits Enhancement Technology Tired of people kicking sand on your bits? Afraid of being the whimpering butt of womens' scorn? Wish you had a spine? Try new Bits Enhancement Technology! Bits Enhancement Technology pills (or BET as we like to call 'em in the lab) are quality-tested, first grade, bone-wincingly effective in making the make gender organ wi-fi capable. No more going to the tedious business of unzipping your fly in an emergency! No more getting caught out in the middle of an important meeting! After weeks of training with our special secret BET formula, (concrete), one clap of your hands and your bits will double in size. Health Warning: stay away from audiences as a round of applause could cause you to explode. __________ Free! Cheap! Dusted by onions! Yes indeed! I want one of them buggers! Stick me down for three! __________ Deny Death but eat a cow a day if you want to you fat slag Yes! Death, where's yer sting? What you gonna do about it now, sad boy, with yer big cloak. Some kinda hoody are you? Well we're not gonna take it anymore. We spray 'Death Away' all over our nips from morning to night and that's why we can smoke what we like, leap from high places, take poison, and mate with tuna. Eat a cow. Go nuts. In the words of William Shakespeare, 'We're gonna live forever. We're gonna learn how to fly!' He used it. Look at his plays. Marvellous. Invented by the late Marvin Pickles, this product has never been known to fail. In fact, we're so confident that we can say right here and now, that if anyone dies after spraying 'Death Away' on their nips, they can come back to us for a complete refund.

"Air breathing fish" When Sprite Spritely came charging into my office last Monday waving a fish I thought he'd gone stark, raving mad! 'Spritely?' I said, 'cos that was his name, and he said, 'what?' I said, 'What's the fish all about, then?' and he said, 'What fish? This one?' I said, 'No, that fish. The shark.' Spritely looked thoughtful for a moment, then stuck his head out of the window and looked up. 'That one?' 'Yes,' I told him. 'That one. The one stuck in the roof.' (The author acknowledges the use of 'My Bumper Book of Joke Stylings, 1937' in executing that last conversational interchange. I thank you, playmates!) He held up the first fish again. 'Never mind that thing,' he said. 'This is the one you want to look at!' It looked strangely familiar as if I'd seen it somewhere before. No - I couldn't place it. I shook my head. What was the point he was trying to make? 'I've only made the first fish capable of carrying a bag of chips and delivering itself right to your door, sir. Look - the bugger's got legs!' I couldn't get my hat on and let me tell you - it's a big hat. I could see that Spright Sprightly had hit the nail on the head. I told him to pack that in at once - hammering when I was trying to concentrate... 'That's fantastic, Spritely,' I told him. 'Now bugger off. I've had enough of your hair-brained schemes. They never work. Get out me office!' 'But, sir...' 'Out me office!' 'Aw sir! That's not...' 'Out!' Anyway, our conversation is neither here nor there but it does lend us a little human charm, doesn't it? This is product is 100% guaranteed against rust, slate deposits and those little candles they put on cakes. Don't believe me - ask the wife. She's a diamond... hard with a shiny head. __________ New! Quality! Yes mother! I want one of them buggers! Where do I sign up matey? __________ "Insurance claim Time Machine" You know the score! You go out on the piss and skid into a lot of missionaries on a crossing at three o'clock in the morning. You can't get the engine started so you have to sit and wait for the police to come. It used to happen to me too. No longer! Get rid of all those squelchy hymn books once and for all with 'It wasn't me!' - a new cream from Time Machines R Back PLC. Simply rub it all over the bodies and see them disappear. We know what you're thinking! You're thinking, 'What if one of them landed in a hedge and I couldn't tell because of the adverse lighting conditions and being off me head?' What? You think we're stupid or disreputable? This is the real thing, man. You rub it on the accident scene and time goes back three hours. If you absolutely have to do it again the same evening, try to just clip a couple of fat ones and they'll probably roll into the canal. __________ 'It wasn't me!' cream! Rub it on your crime-scenes today! Get away with murder! It's brilliant! __________ Self-consicious about your huge unsightly ears? Do you have stupid ears? Do people mock you from morning to night, calling you Dumbo and saying they've never seen you fly? Being self-conscious about whopping great ears like yours is only natural and you'll just have to toughen up and realise that nobody likes people with fat ears like wings on a jet. What? You wanted us to say, 'Never mind those humungous lugs, chum. You're still a great guy.'?             Look - we'll lend you a stapler and a tube of super-glue but after that you're on your own. Just don't stand in a draught or you'll fly right out of the window. Wheeee!

Au Pairs Our girls are from the Ukranian capital of Eastern Europe, set in the Irish countryside of a sunny day in China. Smuggled into the UK in secret bras by Mafia hitmen armed to the teeth, they like a fair day's pay. As well as being multi-lingual and having their own heads, all our girls are as honest as the day is long, profoundly religious, love this country as if it were their own, and have really huge qualifications. We're talking train buffers, here. Not just human ones. Big metal, gleaming ones that weigh upward of a ton each. Although fondling their clients is the furthest thing from their thoughts, intent as they are on murdering them and stealing away in ex-Soviet MIGs, we like to be very flexible, and so do they. One of the girls has qualifications the size of a small industrial nation and would like to meet someone old, smelly and disgusting for a whirlwind romance and a marriage that would benefit several villages in Eastern Bogland forever. Our next shipment of human traffic will include a lorry with real arms, several bicycles with ears, and an au-pair with qualifications so large that they come with a manual, a telescope and their own gravitational system. __________ Send cash! No cheques! We got standards! Nice! I want one! Have they got air-conditioning? That one's my mom! __________   ALL OUR SPAM IS IN CAPITAL LETTERS DESIGNED TO BEAT YOU INTO SUBMISSION! SEND ALL YOUR MONEY RIGHT NOW TO RELEASE THE FUNDS/ GET A DEGREE/ GROW YOUR DICK INTO A WHALE/ LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE AGES/ QUALIFY FOR MORE SPAM! THIS SPAM IS NOT AVAILABLE IN THE SHOPS BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A LOAD OF RUBBISH WE COULDN'T FIND A SHOP ON THE ENTIRE PLANET TO TAKE US SERIOUSLY AND STOCK IT! BUY BEFORE LAST WEEK AND YOU WILL QUALIFY FOR OUR FREE OFFER! BE A GOD! YES! BUY JUST 50 FREE UNITS OF BRAIN CHEESE FOR A GRAND AND WE WILL GIVE YOU MIND RAYS! I'm impressed! Post me to Moscow! Down it in one! Thanks a million of them! No flies on him! Dumpy little boater! Cor blimey, eh! Nice one, mate! I'll take all of 'em! Innit! __________ We don't say you have to buy our stuff but you do If you don't sign up for our stuff today, we're not saying we're going to definitely push your child under a train. It's very unlikely. The chances of you waking up tomorrow with your computer on fire and wedged up your jacksie with a fridge for a cork are almost nil. Buying our stuff is one of those light-hearted optional things in life like breathing and not finding a snake in your bed or a body in your car. We're not trying to make out that anything at all will happen to your credit rating if you don't order seventeen packets of stuff right away. You'll be fine. Forget about it. __________ A corker of a seller! This is what I always wanted! I'll take three or four crates of them buggers! Chase me! Chase me! Ooh you tease!

Buy some stuff. We all need stuff. Where would we be without it? Nowhere - that's where. So here's your chance to go crazy-nuts and splash out for stuff. I like it. You like it. We all like it. Stuff - get some today. Have more stuff and you'll have loads of stuff. Don't be caught out without any. Get stuff today. It makes sense and it's a lot better than not having stuff. Thank you.

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